I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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