Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
