i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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