I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
