I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
