I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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