I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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