My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
