The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I could have mohawked her pubes.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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