Already got asked if we're dating
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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