i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
