im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You're like the curious george of whores
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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