I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
