He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
