A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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