I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I love you.
Bad choice
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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