it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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