just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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