You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
