My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
