she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
