Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
babies were throwing up all over the place
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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