Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Ketchup is God's man juice
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
