the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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