It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My ATM looks so different sober.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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