I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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