You can't special order awesome
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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