I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I currently don't understand fingers.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
