bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
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