Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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