chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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