someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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