one might say we're banned from that church
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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