Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
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Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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