Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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