He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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