now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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