textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
