My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
