Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
