I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
