and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
