I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
