the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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