i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
