I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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