I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
tell me about the fingering
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