I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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