I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
