saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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