God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I looked at my own cervix.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
