was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You don't make any sense
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