Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
