omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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