Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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