i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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