ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
