I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
