DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
